I am Going to Cry on Tuesday
Talk given at the 49-day Ceremony for Zen Master Seung Sahn Some people say that monks and nuns should not cry. I am a nun, but I am a human being, and I am crying because I miss Zen Master Seung Sahn. I miss him in my bones. I will cry; I want to cry. I miss his shout. I miss his laughter. Every time I chant shin-myo jang-gu dae-da-ra-ni, I remember him and it makes me cry. I knew, I'm going to cry on Tuesday. Now the tears come out. In your lifetime, you will have many kinds of problems. At those times, the best thing is to cry out, and then feel better. Maybe somebody says, You don't have a strong tantien. It doesn't matter if you have a strong tantien or not. I'm crying anyway. So, join me please. Also, I'm doing bulsa practice, which means meaning making a temple. In all these many, many years, Zen Master Seung Sahn always helped me stand up right this moment. When I was at Hwa Gye Sah in Seoul, he asked me several times to take the abbo's job at New York Chogye Sah temple in Queens. Each time I said, Oh no no no, no abbo's job for me—I'm too old a nun! I have to practice and get enlightenment. Finally he said, Tha's the point! Tha's your togul. In Korea, at big temples, sometimes a monk or nun has their own practice place, called a togul. It can be a big place like a monastery, or it can be a little hermitage or cave. When he said, This is your togul, something that had been pushed down just released and I felt so happy. I thought, Yes! Togul! I need a togul! And I said, Okay, I'll go. That was ten years ago. Ten years later, he asked us to move to Manhattan. We paid two and a half million dollars for a building. Two and a half million! I don't have two and a half million dollars, I don't even have ONE dollar myself. I still don't know how we did it. I must be crazy. You already understand crazy-mind, though—all you Providence Zen Center people know. Manhattan Chogye Sah owns a two and a half million dollar brownstone because of Dae Soen Sa Nim's incredible energy and clear direction. You already understand. Thank you.